A blanket of darkness over the mind
I look out at the smattering rain as I sit by the desk in a hotel in central Växjö. The plan was to read the 100 pages of student literature I left behind in the course I study at the university. The same place where I once studied police training at. But, you just set up a "plan" for things that are boring and therefore it is doomed to fail. No one has ever set up a "plan" for how to watch the series one has been waiting for a long time or when to read Kepler's latest book, you just do it and let the desire rule. The same goes for diets. A detailed "plan" is required to eat boring food, but you have never needed a plan for how to best eat a kebab roll with extra meat and a side dish of French fries.
I have a bad, freaking cold and after a full day at the school bench, and a two hour long power nap, my plan to study failed to benefit the champions league and reflections of the day. But dark thoughts are like a blanket over my mind. Maybe it is the illness, maybe the stress and traveling lately, or is it just the horrible season that is approaching that haunts me. I think of the guy who stood next to me at the bus stop in the morning. He sucked impressively intensively on his cigarette while coughing his lungs out between the "breaths". I am filled with a feeling of disgust and think for myself, why should I pay his health care when he has literally destroyed his body with his bare hands.
On the bus to the university, it is crowded and unbearably hot. Although, after all the nosebleeds and operations, I have Sweden's worst sense of smell, I feel the scent of a mixture of perfumes, self-dried functional clothing, cheap deodorant and newly-refined cigarettes. I curse my decision to take nasal spray just before I step on. Once in the lesson room, I blend freshly between wisdom and reflections with snorting and coughing attacks. I sat close to the edge to be able to cough away from my classmates, but still I feel like a pariah, a wandering pandemic that everyone thinks should be at home instead of being there and contagious.
I head to the hotel, decline the joint dinner, and go to bed to sleep away the self-contempt and headaches. For a second, I get a bad conscience for how I felt about the cigarette guy from the morning. I looked at him with the same disgust that others looked at me today as I wandered around like a pestilence. I renounced him and diminished his human dignity solely because of a single visible difference between us. Just as I feel that others are increasingly doing against me. I was disgusted by how I thought and felt like the ones I fight everyday is thinking, feeling and acting. Those who live to categorize people into different values with a single visible factor at hand. So I am glad I was ashamed. The shame helped me up to the surface again and gave me the understanding and control. Because I can not imagine what a nightmare it must be to constantly live in a darkness without any subconscious lifebuoy that will save you. Where every time something happens that dilutes the inner black is pulled further down into the ground. Until you finally drown in hatred, lose yourself as a fellow human, and make important life decisions with that hole within you.